something of a pretty little mess

Still. Want. Him.
Any wonder I can't let myself accept anyone else.

I'm having a pretty depressed day today. It's been like it for two weeks but today seems harder. Possibly the fact that I drank last night and hardly slept at all. But I miss my mum. I want everything to go back to how it was and I'm really worried shell never want to see me again. Or see isobelle. Isobelle loves her nanna to pieces. And she doesn't understand. She doesn't deserve to lose the love of someone who means so much to her. And it's getting harder to put on a brave face for her. Because I don't feel brave. I feel like a scared lonely little girl. And all I want to do is cry

I don't know if it was simply just my loneliness. But when he came to the door tonight I thought of what we used to be. I missed him. 

So I've just come back from canberra where I spent the weekend with my father. All I can say really is fuck i'm glad to be home. My father is the most obnoxious opinionated annoying excuse for a human being I know. He gives me the absolute creeps. I don't think of him as my father. He's a stranger to me. And thus when he tries to give me a hug or tell me he loves me I feel violated like I want to vomit. Like a sleezy old perverted stranger is trying to get too close. He makes me sick to my stomach. He flirts with shop assistants to the point they could go for sexual harrassment. And he calls them mam. He eats like a pig. Only less dignified. Isobelle doesn't much like him and thatss saying something. And the whole time he kept making me feel like an absolute failure simply beacause I haven't found a man. I shouldn't let him get to me but I do. In year 8 I had a major eating disorder and still my self esteem is shot to pieces because my whole childhood he would make fun of my weight. Calling me fatso and little miss porky. And he wonders why his step daughter is fuckednup

most of the shit i write in here is friends only
if you don't want to know about it. don't be reading it. it's really that simple.

so i'm kinda fucked off.
his gf just had their baby
and it fucks me off

my little girl has gone to perth today with her nanna. without me
5 days. the longest i've been without her is 2 nights. and even then she was only around the corner
i'm a bit sad today

I'm just really tired at the moment. It's a physiological and pyschological tiredness. Isobelle will not sleep in her own bed for an entire night. ever. she'll come up to my room anywhere from around midnight, and she'll climb into my bed and go straight back to sleep. But once she does this i dont sleep. She wedges herself up against me and i'm just about on the floor. And if she moves away at all i get startled and grab for her as she fell out one night and hit her head. I know I should get up and take her back to her own bed, but i'm just too tired to get out. I know. It's only making things worse in the end.
and anways. so i havent had a real night sleep in however many weeks/months, so i'm completely drained all day. and i cant study as its impossible with isobelle. Obviously i have to look after her. my intentions are to study when she goes to bed, but thats not until at least 8.30. and by that time all i want to do is go to sleep. then i get stressed cause i feel like im not taking anything in. and im paranoid that im stupid. Then i have work a few nights a week.
and of course i have absolutely no social existance at all. if i get 'spare' time i feel guilty for not spending it with my daughter. I mean i want to spend it with her. cause when i study and work i feel as though i'm neglecting her. so im not going to get someone to babysit her so i can go out and do my own thing. im not entitled to that anymore. but tonight ive just sat back and realised i actually dont have anyone to call a friend anymore. i havent seen anyone socially for weeks/months. and thats pretty sad.
i think im officially in a rut.

 the stupid fucking

 psycho bitch can 

go to hell

... that is all

isobelle has a thing for teletubbies at the moment
and when tinky winky makes a huge mess with the tubby custard
isobelle.. without fail.. races to the tissue box
and wipes the tubby custard on the television screen 'clean'

so. my one way ticket to perth is booked
24th august. im scared. im sad
but its for my own good

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!

anyway. in other news, i'm moving to perth for a few months
talking to lyndon tonight, will be there by the end of the month
mum wants to pack me up and send me tomorrow

...take three

it makes me saddest still that i can't tell you just how much i miss you


crowded house brings such a beautiful sad

im going to perth on monday!!
so not looking forward to a three hour flight with isobelle.............
but cant wait to see lyndon sarah n jordan
.. and dont think ive written about it yet
but come january.. their little three people family will be a four people family

babies!

soooo uni.
just had my anatomy and physiology exam
wasnt at all what i expected. studied for heaps of shit that wasnt in it. heaps of shit that was in it i didnt study for
but. i feel confident enough that ive passed it. i think i knew more than i didnt know. which is good.
got my communications assignments back the other day
a distinction and a high distinction. go me. easy as fuck assignments though. so no real great achievement
finished clinical placement on friday. turned out better than i thought. quite enjoyed it. cept i have a wicked cold that wont leave me.
waiting for my health lifespan assignment. should be back today. but wasnt. sarah got hers. shitting me off
ill go in tomorrow. 
just one more 'assignment' to go for the semester. due on friday. should be easy.
then thats one semester down. 5 to go


anyway. thats it. bye